Untitled

I can feel my eyes sinking into my face, sinking further in as if they were weighted down with cement blocks. Can no one see this? My face is sagging down as gravity pulls on me with the weight of my sorrow, my pain, my life. I’ve said all of this before, nothing is new. Nothing is new in my life because it is the same sorrow that plagues me every day, every moment of my life. I am haunted, I am haunted by my pretend ghosts, I am haunted by my real ghosts that appear to only me, no one else. You think you are strong, but it all comes crashing down with just the slightest hint of pain, the slightest hint of the sorrow that you’ve pushed behind your mind, trying to keep it at bay but you can feel it banging on the wall to get out, to get out and take over like it has before. The pills you’ve used as bricks are disintegrating from the rain of tears you have held back. The medicine goes slowly through your veins, drop by drip, until the bag is as empty as you are. In a short time, you have to get up and do it all again. Nothing changes, nothing is new. It’s all been done before, it’s been done a million times by you or by someone else, nothing has changed.

I wrote this yesterday while I was getting my Remicade infusion. After the water works shed during Grey’s Anatomy and lots of thoughts on Kathryn, I feel a bit better, still a little anti-social but otherwise mood-wise elevated. I have bruises all over, one from the infusion, another rather large on on my knee- from who know how- and several others that have magically appeared from nowhere, sore on my nose (again!) and gurgling from the throat, probably from another lymph node infection in my face. I feel like the body is breaking apart. But I have lost another 7 pounds in the last month. So I got that going for me…

It will pass, so don’t worry about me. Just take comfort in the poetry of pain, see the beauty of it, and be glad that you didn’t think of it first.

 

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2 responses to “Untitled

  1. When the weary is done, the rest of the suspects arrive, and suddenly weary looks damned cute in that outfit.

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