I’m losing my mind.
I had a nice mind in college, or rather grad school. It was full with really interesting facts about literature, characters and story. Now, it’s gone. All gone. I write without any regard to what I paid a lot of money to learn. I blame myself, really. There isn’t anyone else to blame. I blame myself for not keeping up with my reading, for not minding my notebooks full of notes I wrote to NOT FORGET, I blame myself for going to the coffee shops and just writing, instead of keeping to my office where I was surrounded by my books, my notes and my reminders… the place I went to write in my school days, because I couldn’t afford the coffee shops. Hell, I still can’t afford the coffee shops, but I thought, If I just got away from the home atmosphere, if I went somewhere with a more creative feel, perhaps I could be creative and write.
Well, yes, I wrote. But not how I had wanted to all those years ago, when I wondered when I could get out of school, finally, and write my own, based on everything I had learned. School was the fuel for my fire, and now that I am out, I am out of fuel. So, I think that if I get back into my office, dust the shelves and notebooks, perhaps, some of that old feeling will come back and I will be able to create my writings how I had always imagined them to be.
This all comes from the talk by my old Professor Swanson this afternoon. He gave his same lecture about the dyads: how one cannot live without the other, how the masculine needs the feminine, and how mythology really does reflect reality.
I miss that. I got the chills sitting there, listening to him speak again. The Ph.D idea crept back up into my mind, just as it had when I went back to campus a few weeks ago. My reasoning, my real justification of why NOT to do it, no matter how true it is, just couldn’t stamp out the thought. I want to go back, but I just can’t. Not right now.
Craig and I went for a drive in the Wisconsin Dells area yesterday, and my thoughts turned to, Oh Let’s move here… The answer, of course, is… Not now. Not right now, that is.
My adventures are not meant for now. I had some in my youth, and I will have more in the years to come. But as for right now, I have the overwhelming need to be near my family. As for school, I have the overwhelming need to finish something-work, perhaps, family, I don’t know. But I do know that if I go back, there will be major sacrifices to be made. And it will most likely be my job. I’m not ready to give it up, nor am I able to put it in the balance of School/Work/Home, just yet. I’m working on it.
So I suppose the best I can offer myself is the room I had used in school, equipped with books, paper, computer and cat. What more could I need?